Pieces

Is this
All we expect to feel

Silence falls with one final stroke
The timepiece stilled as the battery dies

A broken compass now laid to rest
Mummified on the mantlepiece of memories

Is it fair to claim hurt
When I've spoken as many lies as I've heard

Sandcastles made with laughter by the seashore
Dismantled under a wave of blue strength

In the moment our created purpose ceases
Is all that is
To be seen
Death

Our legacy
What we failed to accomplish
Filled
With breath

love reign on me

For all my fighting, love wins... everytime.
For all my doubting, love wins... everytime.

Desperate to feel the smallest touch, yet knowing the ultimate answer is a choice
Desperate to feel the deepest cut, yet knowing peace is found in the silent voice

A failed connection between the heart and the head
The colorful emotion, paled and dead

The defiant "NO" behind tear stained eyes
The strong hand that gathers me, though I deny

Love so carefully crafted, there can be no duplication
Love so passionately offered, yet I seek abdication

For all my fighting
For all my doubting

Through the lying
Through the whining

Filling my pillowcase, as I inform I'll be running away
You packed a lunch and said, "have a nice day"

For all my fighting
For all my doubting

The defiant "NO" behind tear stained eyes
The strong hand that gathers, though I deny

Love reign down
Muffle these cries

Love
Reign
On
Me

Is anybody listening?

If a song is sung and no one is there to hear the sound, has it really been sung at all?

If love is found, but the only way to have it is to let it go, was is really ever love?

If dreams seek their freedom through the melody of my song, are they coming true, are they real at all?

I could go on living forever, I could free my mind, I could be a better me and discover the secret of happiness, but what does it matter if no one hears when I fall?

Is anybody listening? In the crowded city, do they hear the fighting cry? Is anybody listening?

Words trip over melodies, lives break against the shore, sparks collide creating life
I am falling, I am crying, I am desperate to know

Is anybody listening?

If a heart breaks and there is no one to mend it, was it ever broken at all?

If a sigh escapes from lips caressed with happiness, have they forsaken all?

I would go on living forever, just to free my mind, I want to be a better me and discover the secret of happiness, but what does it matter if no one hears when I fall?

Is anybody listening? In the crowded city, do they hear the fighting cry? Is anybody listening?
Words trip over melodies, lives break against the shore, bodies collide creating life
I am falling, I am crying, I am desperate to know

Is anybody listening?

winter

I feel like I'm in the land where it's always winter and never Christmas. The cold chill that tightens its vice grip, serves as a constant reminder of the brittle hope that has succumbed to a deep, frostbitten death over the past several years.

Every illusion of greatness, every vain imagination that served as a pedastal of righteousness is lost- I know very little of who I have truly been over the past decade; what is certain is I no longer desire to remember, or continue on in that shadow.

I know there has been progress, and many would reprimand me for so loudly wishing away the bad, inspite of the surmounting good, but I am tired of this mind, of the selfish living that has justified the very wrongs I have claimed to abhor.

I want to pray again and believe I mean it, I want to live right and think right, no longer a sculpture of self-doubt or self-hate. Jesus said to love your neighbor as yourself, but all that is preceeded by Loving Him, and it's hard to unconditionally love someone you've never really trusted or known.

I believe Jesus gave his life, his love, selflessly, and for all my knowledge and Bible-school training, I honestly can say I am a selfish human being, who is struggling with what His selfless love was meant to be, and what we have made it.

Degrading as it may sound in "christanese" language, believing I am a piece of dirt is the closest I have come to accepting and understanding the redeeming power of the cross.
I feel completely unfit and unqualified to lead, much less be a witness of God's love and grace, yet there are moments, glimpses of His heart for me that make me want to be that person.

I have been holding it in for so long, tightening the corset to minimize the fat and magnify the "beauty," wanting and trying to "be the better me..."
But I have failed.
I have not lost faith in God, but I am very close to losing complete faith in myself, and therefore negating the very purpose of God for me.

I am sorry.

I cannot continue on without a greater reality, and I will not keep on living behind a mask. This is my breaking point, my confusion, my audacious desperation for more in this life.
I don't know if I'm testing God, but it would be fair to say I'm testing his church, this body and fellowship of "brothers and sisters" who I am straining to recognize.
There is no expectation that many, (if any), will read this, but it is, for lack of better term...

The prodigal crying for help