There's a book titled, "If you were God, would you choose you?"
I wouldn't choose me... and too often, I find it hard to believe God would either.
There is a constant stream of negative, condescending thought; a constant supply of the filth wrapped around me, of all I have not been and failed to be, of every person I have failed.
I see my lies, my sin, every word so carelessly spoken... every stripe so liberally thrashed down.
At times, the noise in my head is enough to drive... me... mad.
In these moments, I would not choose me. In these moments, I wish for the darkness to swell around, and to envelope the light that exposes my poorly constructed mask of fig leaves.
At the moment I least want to be seen, light pours through the darkness.
In the light, a voice speaks.
Not the voice of one delivering a just sentence, but the voice of a shepherd, seeking the lost lamb. I feel a heart beat within that is not my own, I gasp as my lungs burn with oxygen for the first time. I see all that I that I have been, all that I am, everything I hate and despise flash before me, churning my stomach with nauseating fear...
Until He speaks.
In His voice, I hear all that I long to be, I feel life that is full of passion and desire that has not been broken or tainted or lost to forgotten dreams. I am, in that moment, unstoppable.
My heart beats as the earth sighs, I hear the voices of children crying out for hope, for the chance to be loved as You love them. I see the captive, writhing in the darkness as the enemy preys, and a fire burns that cannot be quenched, a voice Shouts through the thunder, and I realize... I am screaming at the top of my lungs.
In this moment, I would that you choose me, that you forgive me, that you love me- not for what I want to be seen as, but uncovered, transparent, all that I am laid bare once and for all...
For the world to see.
In this moment, I can honestly say, "Here I am, send me"
Not for what I've done, but because, You... First... Loved... me
No comments:
Post a Comment