winter

I feel like I'm in the land where it's always winter and never Christmas. The cold chill that tightens its vice grip, serves as a constant reminder of the brittle hope that has succumbed to a deep, frostbitten death over the past several years.

Every illusion of greatness, every vain imagination that served as a pedastal of righteousness is lost- I know very little of who I have truly been over the past decade; what is certain is I no longer desire to remember, or continue on in that shadow.

I know there has been progress, and many would reprimand me for so loudly wishing away the bad, inspite of the surmounting good, but I am tired of this mind, of the selfish living that has justified the very wrongs I have claimed to abhor.

I want to pray again and believe I mean it, I want to live right and think right, no longer a sculpture of self-doubt or self-hate. Jesus said to love your neighbor as yourself, but all that is preceeded by Loving Him, and it's hard to unconditionally love someone you've never really trusted or known.

I believe Jesus gave his life, his love, selflessly, and for all my knowledge and Bible-school training, I honestly can say I am a selfish human being, who is struggling with what His selfless love was meant to be, and what we have made it.

Degrading as it may sound in "christanese" language, believing I am a piece of dirt is the closest I have come to accepting and understanding the redeeming power of the cross.
I feel completely unfit and unqualified to lead, much less be a witness of God's love and grace, yet there are moments, glimpses of His heart for me that make me want to be that person.

I have been holding it in for so long, tightening the corset to minimize the fat and magnify the "beauty," wanting and trying to "be the better me..."
But I have failed.
I have not lost faith in God, but I am very close to losing complete faith in myself, and therefore negating the very purpose of God for me.

I am sorry.

I cannot continue on without a greater reality, and I will not keep on living behind a mask. This is my breaking point, my confusion, my audacious desperation for more in this life.
I don't know if I'm testing God, but it would be fair to say I'm testing his church, this body and fellowship of "brothers and sisters" who I am straining to recognize.
There is no expectation that many, (if any), will read this, but it is, for lack of better term...

The prodigal crying for help