"Sounds like Hallelujah for the first time"

hello again.

after a long lapse that included a move across the country, news of imminent parenthood, and a whole lot of "soul" searching-

i'm back.

back to what? i honestly don't know yet.

my last post was about 2 specific people. they were my friends, and for 3 years i've tried to get over that our friendship has no future. there were random email exchanges, some more pleasant than others, but at the end of the day.... it's just not working out.

they've moved on.

i, however foolishly, have continued to hang on. to hope. to laboriously work to redeem the damage i've done.

but it's not enough. it's like the relationship you can't seem to get over, that one person you're silently and torturously comparing with anyone who could be the next prospect, looking for reasons it won't work.

because, in the end, you lost the best thing you thought you had.

i lost them. i screwed up, and quickly discovered that words, do in fact, break.

last year, an email came out of the blue, bringing me to a screeching, teary halt.

an email that had the power to bruise me with hope.

and here i am, a year later, feeling the fool again, struggling to make friends because my silly sentimental heart has been reserving their place- an empty table collecting dust while a line waits to be seated.

I naively wrote and sent an email, hoping to (yes, desperately), remind them i'm still here, with my heart on my sleeve like an idiot.

after a month of no response, i've accepted this is ridiculous- i need to get over it and move on.

let's face it- some people change, and others do not. or rather, they move at a much slower pace.

i am not the same girl who was their friend, and you can't go back to what doesn't exist.